AJ D.O.M.

I don’t know if “modern day” parenting or “progressive” parenting is a real thing or term, but I feel like my husband and I are doing it. It could be just regular ol’ parenting. We ask a lot of questions and I in particular, ask “how do you feel,” and “what do you think about that,” and “how can this process be improved?” Maybe it’s my upbringing. Maybe it’s my own psychology degree. Maybe it’s my human resources training. Maybe I have no idea what the answer is and they can help (kids are smarter than we give them credit for). Maybe their feelings should actually be considered, even though they are children with little life experience and no money. But I wonder at times…. is this too much meddling in grown folks business?

Are my kids going to grow up and demand their voices be heard in circumstances where it should not be (yes I believe these circumstances do exist). Before I dive in, let me offer you some background on my upbringing.

I grew up in Queens in the 80’s. My dad was a black Vietnam veteran who lived through Jim Crow, bussing, who didn’t know his dad and his uncles were his best friends and had a very difficult childhood. My mom is a psychologist, who mainly worked with those mandated by court to seek counseling. She also had a very challenging childhood and is one of fourteen. I am the oldest of 4 (2 sisters and brother is the youngest). I grew up saying “Yes ma’am” and having no choice but to have great manners. To this day, I don’t call a woman older than me (an adultier adult) by her first name without a Miss, Ms. or Mrs. in front of it, (same respect for men) unless they insist. My children also have these manners.

Growing up in Queens, we had a close-knit community where we all knew each other, and our parents knew each other. While we had the freedom to explore, we did have some rules and regulations. We had a curfew and if we were not in by that time, my dad and our German Shepherd, would come looking for us. If we saw dad walking the dog in our neck of the woods, we knew we were in trouble.

As far as decisions went- I don’t remember my parents or grandparents asking what we wanted for dinner. I don’t remember being asked what I wanted to wear. I don’t remember being asked if I wanted to go to church. I don’t remember being asked what I thought about the house that was being purchased. I don’t remember being asked how I thought a problem in the house should be resolved. I did what I was told or risked losing the feeling in my ass for days to come.

Fast forward to today’s day and time. Our daughter is sixteen and the boys- twins are thirteen. They get asked all types of “what do you think,” “what would you like to do,”. “let’s vote on dinner” type of questions in our house.

While I understand that they are children, I think engagement and communication are incredibly important when raising children (or in any relationship really), but not everyone feels the same way. Especially in today’s fast-paced, completely virtual and cyber world. The more feeling I can get out of them, despite the amount of cold screens surrounding them, the better. But damn it, where should the line be drawn? Sometimes I’ll ask the kids what they want for breakfast (on the weekends) and often they’ll have options for dinner and sometimes we’ll make several options- I have a picky eater (chicken nuggets and fries, cereal or pancakes and bacon are the go-to’s). I will offer options for activities during an off day or they may give input on summer vacations.

Don’t get me wrong- we still parent. Not everything is up for debate and there are plenty of things that have to get done without explanation- chores without payment for those chores- they are essentially cleaning up what they messed up; bedtimes; school and the work that comes along with it; punishment and the loss of things and activities if schoolwork is not being done successfully or if they are generally acting like jerks.

Here’s where my theory gets into some trouble- there’s an ego involved with being a parent that can’t be denied. I’m the parent. I’ve lived longer and had more experiences. I’m the parent and solely for that fact, I’m right. That power trip and high of being the almighty parent, can sometimes interrupt the lesson I am trying to teach.

I guess this is part of the parental ego, but in general can be a concern if not addressed- when the children think their opinions hold as much weight as the parents. The trouble comes in when an attitude is given when the opinion is acknowledged and rejected. The trouble comes in when I, in turn, am asked a bunch of questions to validate the final decision. I may have to cut a question or opinion short because it bordered on warranting a throat chop or pop to the back of the head or something being taken away. They are getting older and trying to see how far the boundaries can be pushed, but disrespect is not tolerated in any way, shape or form and is always addressed in the moment. They have to understand that their message has to be delivered respectfully as freedom of speech can come with consequences.

The questions I ask to gauge their comfort sound reasonable to me. I want my children to have a safe space to express themselves so that they don’t get outside of the house and act an ass. I want them to feel included in some of the decisions, so that they feel good about what’s happening and don’t later resent us for making a huge decision that may affect the rest of their lives. I want them to care about the feelings of others- not to be confused with the opinions of others. I want them to learn to express their thoughts and feelings in constructive ways. I want my boys to understand that a man can be strong and care for his family but can also be vulnerable and able to express their feelings without being judged. I want my daughter to understand that because she may have an opinion that may differ from someone else’s in the future conference room, that won’t make her an angry or difficult black woman.

I remind them that we engage them on some things as a courtesy. Decisions can easily be made without any input from them at all. As the adults, we make decisions based on the best interest of everyone in the house. We will not make decisions that affect them adversely (or we will damn sure try our best), but we do not owe it to them. It is not a right. I hope they come to understand why we do this and improve upon it with their own families.

I hope this duality isn’t confusing. I want them to have a safe space, but I don’t want them to take advantage of it. I want them to know what’s happening around them (as much as a child should/could know without interrupting their childhood), but I don’t want to be asked a million questions. I want them to express themselves, but to understand they’re still children and words have penalties.

As any of you parent know- parenting is a tightrope walk and isn’t always easy. I’ll let you know how this is working out…

-Live, Laugh, Love 💙-

AJ DOM