Attention spans have definitely gotten shorter- people no longer have the patience to read long articles, books or even social media posts that are over 140 characters these days. If people do read an article, it’s likely they’re skimming it – not reading word for word – to find the info that’s important to them and move on.
Well, that’s how I listen some days – I “skim listen.” As it turns out, my skim listening is selective and if I had to “blame” it on something, I’d blame it on adulting and constantly adding responsibilities to my plate.
Being a mom/wife/daughter/sister/aunt/friend/employee/co-worker- entails a lot – lots of talking, texting, date nights, planning, scheduling, providing emergency services, food prep, cooking, cleaning, medical services, chaueffering, conflict resolution, referee, therapist, and so much more. There’s a thousand thoughts going through my mind at any given moment and a few of those thoughts may go by the waistside because they aren’t a priority at that moment. It isn’t so much that I don’t listen, but how I categorize some things in my head.
My mind is always aware someon’es talking to me, the conversation just fades some, like a background character in a movie, if they were just talking and it wasn’t necessarily a conversation. I’m fully engaged to start but when the conversation starts to drift into the weeds, I start to skim listen. I always catch inflection changes and my mind would bring the background forward again. I’m able to generally recite the subject they were talking about. I’m able to ask questions for clarity and answer questions.
Skim listening happens during various conversations. Sometimes I skim listen when I’m hearing the same complaint, for the millionth time and nothing has been done to change the outcome. For instance, if someone’s man is a terrible partner and continues the same bad behavior, without any attempt at adjusting. The first time I listen, empathize and may offer advice. The second time, I listen, empathize and offer advice. Because third time’s a charm, I listen, empathize and offer advice. But what you’re not going to do is take me down the long, bumpy, wide, scary, and dark hole of insanity with you. If you refuse to do anything about your situation, I can’t care more than you do and I’m going to skim listen, if I answer the call at all. There’s no way I can put energy into the same exact conversation over and over again. If it continues much longer, we’ll have to re-evaluate how we communicate, if we communicate at all anymore.
My husband tells me that I don’t listen to him sometimes, which is a reversal of the sterotypical portrayal of relationships. I listen, but again, things do fade when they aren’t a priority at the moment. If he tells me he’s going out with the guys in a few weeks or that we were invited to a wedding in 4 months, that’s too far in advance for me to give it too much stock, unless something has to be planned for (hotel, travel, etc.). I check the calendar, plug it in and will remind myself to ask for more details as the date gets closer.
He does listen and remember things I tell him, no matter how far away the committment is or how long the story is. He listens. BUT, I think that it’s easier for him to listen and retain the information when his calendar only has the federal holidays it was built with on it. For the whole house- I have every doctor’s appointment, every field trip, every afterschool event, every school affair that needs us to contribute something, every practice, every bill due, every expected delivery, our combined family’s birthdays, and everything in between. My high school daughter who recently started her first job and who will be a high school senior in September, linked her calendar to mine (!), so I also have all of her extensive things as well. When you’re spoonfed the information, as it’s coming up and in digestible bites, I think it would be easier to listen and retain that info. Despite it all, I don’t mind being the keeper of the calendar, and I think the kids prefer it because my husband often says, “babe, you know we can say no to some of these right? They don’t have to go on every class trip or take something in for every toy/food/clothes drive.” Tuh, yeah right- but that’s probably another article. I digress.
At times I’m accused of not listening when people actually had no business talking to me at that particular time in the first place. Working from home is incredibly convenient for me and everyone’s schedules, but when my family has something they feel they need to say, they come into my working space, cop a squat and just start talking a mile a minute (it’s probably too comfy with the loevseat, snacks and good lighting in that space). I put a note on my door and close it when I have a call to take, meeting, or just need to focus, letting the family know I’m off limits for a while, so that I can focus on the task at hand. When that happens, they’ll slip me notes so I can touch base with them later.
The kids are good for talking to me (or talking at me), when they know I’m fully engaged in something else (talking on the phone for instance). Still though. one of them will try to ask me to sign a paper or ask if they could do something. Later, when I have no idea why they’re outside without their chores being done, I get, “but I asked you.” That clearly shouldn’t count- they know I wasn’t listening.
I do admit, there are times where I temporarily check out completely. When people talk to me the way I used to write my undergrad papers, trying to fill space with “thes”, “ands” and quotes, like they have a conversation word minimum, I can’t tune in too long. It drives me crazy, please just get to the point. When people use “um” or “like” every other word, I tend to tune out (this is especially during meetings/presentations, although I try really hard to stay engaged. I think this pet peeve was exacerbated when I took a presentation skills seminar that my previous manager had me take before I started training employees in different call centers).
So, all-in-all, I’ve been accused of not listening, but I actually do listen, just in the way that makes sense for me. Everyone gets where they need to go. I offer sound advice and guidance. I receive and act on sound advice and guidance that’s been given to me. I’m pretty damn good at my job and have constantly been asked to be comfortable being uncomfortable, stepping into projects and roles beyond my station. I just think that as I get older, I don’t want to waste time. I’d rather get right to it.
How do you listen?
-Live, Laugh, Love 💙-
AJ DOM
AJ D.O.M. 
