I questioned whether to use the word ‘debrief’, but I think its fits properly for the conversation. Going out into the world these days, dealing with the day and living to make it back home to tell the story, debrief seems to be fitting.
Communication in relationships varies. Every couple communicates differently. Every friendship communicates differently. I don’t think there’s any relationship I have, where the communication is exactly the same.
It doesn’t need to be, but why is that? There are too many reasons to count- schedule differences; number of kids differences; ages of kids differences; single vs coupled differences; generational differences; personality differences; mental statuses differences, and so on.
I may constantly speak to this person via text, as opposed to this person by phone, as opposed to this person on video calls. This person may be in my nuclear band of friends/confidants, and gets more information than a second band relationship. I can talk to someone every day and still have new things to talk to them about or I can speak to someone every 6 months and feel like we picked up right where we left off. Relationships have so many nuances that can’t be assessed, determined or judged by anyone outside of that relationship. I’m gonna try today though lol.
My writing today isn’t about communication with all of my relationships, just my marriage. More specifically, I’d like to know why there are so many people in intimate relationships who don’t debrief at the end of the night (or anytime during the day depending on their schedule).
I’ve spoken to a number of friends and family about how they communicate when they come together and was surprised to find that most people talk, but they don’t really engage.
At the end of both of our workdays, my husband and I sit or stand somewhere in the house (it used to be at the dining room table, but now it’s in the basement) and just have a meeting of the minds. Because my husband works out in the elements all day, I offer him some time to get settled before we start talking about our days. I also take some time to release my workday. While I’m not out in the hot or cold all day, mental stress can also be a heavy weight. He gets his shower, he chills for a bit – I shut down my computer and take a walk around the house and then we meet up. We often talk once or twice during the workday, but that’s mostly quick reminders, dinner plans, maybe some sexy talk- but the details are shared later – during the debrief.
We ask each other how the day was. I think although unspoken, we have a general understanding not to unload on the other during the workday (unless it’s something pertinent). Who wants hard work shit and hard personal shit all rolled into one explosive ball? When we get together at night, we talk about hits and misses at work. We talk about our successes and exciting moments. We may talk about conversations or interactions we had throughout our day that had an impact on us – one way or another. We discuss the kids and how their day went (although we also have separate conversations with them directly). We talk about which one of our kids got in trouble for whatever reason or something they did great or something that was funny. We talk about what’s coming up- socially, financially, general “calendar” comparisons (I keep a calendar- he keeps everything in his brain- a topic for another day).
This feels great that this happens organically now. We take the time to download so often, that we can feel the mood of the other person before we’ve even said anything. I can feel when his day has been a disaster and our debrief may be delayed. He’s not one to just spill it all at once. I know that he needs some time away from work to process the disatrous day before he can put it into words for me. I’m more of a spiller.
Although my description gives the impression that we’re up talking all night, this time doesn’t last all night. This is about 25-30 minutes, sometimes over a cocktail or shot(s). Depending on the time of that pow wow, we give each other some more breathing room for a bit afterward, (he may play video games in the basement and I may watch a show or talk to the kids) or start cooking. Depending on the dish, we may keep each other company in the kitchen or be each other’s sous chef, and keep the conversation going, now intertwining the kids.
This ease isn’t something that came easily. We’ve been together since we were really young (except for a small intermission) and have grown up together. There’s been plenty of time where our communication was TRASH- and it caused immense issues. But, as we got older and learned what we wanted for ourselves and learned how to express that outwardly, it created such a new world. So I understand how newer couples may have some trouble getting on the same page; they’re still learning how to communicate and how to blend their styles of communication. I do wonder though, how couples who have been together for a longer period of time don’t have a cadence where they break down the day (their frustrations about it, their happy thoughts about it, expectations for the next day, etc.). It seems weird to me.
Several couples that I’ve spoken with greet their partner when they come home and then it’s just straight down to business- dinner, kids, bed and rinse and repeat day after day. Those same couples also seem to have a disconnect, maybe because they aren’t finding time for one another. Those things are very important, but I think it’s also important to recognize and unpack what may be going on from day to day, so that it doesn’t carry over to the next, especially if negative. I think if the day isn’t eventually broken down, things begin to get lost in translation or fester. For example, I could be snappy or distant and my husband doesn’t understand or thinks it’s his fault somehow, when really, it’s the frustrating project at work or the kids broke something else that is out of warranty. I could think my husband is being standoffish and selfish sitting in the basement half the night playing video games, when he just needs some time to recoup from working a day where 3 out of 6 people scheduled called out. We wouldn’t know these things unless we talked about them. More likely, it’s possible that such harsh emotions won’t be at the forefront because they’ve been diminished or softened by comments like, “wow, you had a really shitty day, take some time to woosah and we’ll connect later;” or “that project sounds really complicated, but you’re going to figure it out and kill it!”
This also goes for fun and positive news. I want to celebrate my wins and successes with the kids or at work- with my husband- he’s my number one supporter and vice versa. Hearing and feeling that support and encouragement can make a huge difference in how the day ultimately ends.
Do you completely disagree with me? Do you have an awesome relationship without a daily or semi-weekly general conversation about what’s happening in your day? Do you have any tips for me? What we do works for us, but let me know how you and yours communicate.
“Do What You Love” 💙
AJ DOM
AJ D.O.M. 