I questioned whether to use the word ‘debrief’, but I think its fits properly for the conversation. Going out into the world these days, dealing with the day and living to make it back home to tell the story, debrief seems to be fitting.

Communication in relationships varies. Every couple communicates differently. Every friendship communicates differently. I don’t think there’s any relationship I have, where the communication is exactly the same.

It doesn’t need to be, but why is that? There are too many reasons to count- schedule differences; number of kids differences; ages of kids differences; single vs coupled differences; generational differences; personality differences; mental statuses differences, and so on.

I may constantly speak to this person via text, as opposed to this person by phone, as opposed to this person on video calls. This person may be in my nuclear band of friends/confidants, and gets more information than a second band relationship. I can talk to someone every day and still have new things to talk to them about or I can speak to someone every 6 months and feel like we picked up right where we left off. Relationships have so many nuances that can’t be assessed, determined or judged by anyone outside of that relationship. I’m gonna try today though lol.

My writing today isn’t about communication with all of my relationships, just my marriage. More specifically, I’d like to know why there are so many people in intimate relationships who don’t debrief at the end of the night (or anytime during the day depending on their schedule).

I’ve spoken to a number of friends and family about how they communicate when they come together and was surprised to find that most people talk, but they don’t really engage.

At the end of both of our workdays, my husband and I sit or stand somewhere in the house (it used to be at the dining room table, but now it’s in the basement) and just have a meeting of the minds. Because my husband works out in the elements all day, I offer him some time to get settled before we start talking about our days. I also take some time to release my workday. While I’m not out in the hot or cold all day, mental stress can also be a heavy weight. He gets his shower, he chills for a bit – I shut down my computer and take a walk around the house and then we meet up. We often talk once or twice during the workday, but that’s mostly quick reminders, dinner plans, maybe some sexy talk- but the details are shared later – during the debrief.

We ask each other how the day was. I think although unspoken, we have a general understanding not to unload on the other during the workday (unless it’s something pertinent). Who wants hard work shit and hard personal shit all rolled into one explosive ball? When we get together at night, we talk about hits and misses at work. We talk about our successes and exciting moments. We may talk about conversations or interactions we had throughout our day that had an impact on us – one way or another. We discuss the kids and how their day went (although we also have separate conversations with them directly). We talk about which one of our kids got in trouble for whatever reason or something they did great or something that was funny. We talk about what’s coming up- socially, financially, general “calendar” comparisons (I keep a calendar- he keeps everything in his brain- a topic for another day).

This feels great that this happens organically now. We take the time to download so often, that we can feel the mood of the other person before we’ve even said anything. I can feel when his day has been a disaster and our debrief may be delayed. He’s not one to just spill it all at once. I know that he needs some time away from work to process the disatrous day before he can put it into words for me. I’m more of a spiller.

Although my description gives the impression that we’re up talking all night, this time doesn’t last all night. This is about 25-30 minutes, sometimes over a cocktail or shot(s). Depending on the time of that pow wow, we give each other some more breathing room for a bit afterward, (he may play video games in the basement and I may watch a show or talk to the kids) or start cooking. Depending on the dish, we may keep each other company in the kitchen or be each other’s sous chef, and keep the conversation going, now intertwining the kids.

This ease isn’t something that came easily. We’ve been together since we were really young (except for a small intermission) and have grown up together. There’s been plenty of time where our communication was TRASH- and it caused immense issues. But, as we got older and learned what we wanted for ourselves and learned how to express that outwardly, it created such a new world. So I understand how newer couples may have some trouble getting on the same page; they’re still learning how to communicate and how to blend their styles of communication. I do wonder though, how couples who have been together for a longer period of time don’t have a cadence where they break down the day (their frustrations about it, their happy thoughts about it, expectations for the next day, etc.). It seems weird to me.

Several couples that I’ve spoken with greet their partner when they come home and then it’s just straight down to business- dinner, kids, bed and rinse and repeat day after day. Those same couples also seem to have a disconnect, maybe because they aren’t finding time for one another. Those things are very important, but I think it’s also important to recognize and unpack what may be going on from day to day, so that it doesn’t carry over to the next, especially if negative. I think if the day isn’t eventually broken down, things begin to get lost in translation or fester. For example, I could be snappy or distant and my husband doesn’t understand or thinks it’s his fault somehow, when really, it’s the frustrating project at work or the kids broke something else that is out of warranty. I could think my husband is being standoffish and selfish sitting in the basement half the night playing video games, when he just needs some time to recoup from working a day where 3 out of 6 people scheduled called out. We wouldn’t know these things unless we talked about them. More likely, it’s possible that such harsh emotions won’t be at the forefront because they’ve been diminished or softened by comments like, “wow, you had a really shitty day, take some time to woosah and we’ll connect later;” or “that project sounds really complicated, but you’re going to figure it out and kill it!”

This also goes for fun and positive news. I want to celebrate my wins and successes with the kids or at work- with my husband- he’s my number one supporter and vice versa. Hearing and feeling that support and encouragement can make a huge difference in how the day ultimately ends.

Do you completely disagree with me? Do you have an awesome relationship without a daily or semi-weekly general conversation about what’s happening in your day? Do you have any tips for me? What we do works for us, but let me know how you and yours communicate.

“Do What You Love” 💙

          AJ DOM

Attention spans have definitely gotten shorter- people no longer have the patience to read long articles, books or even social media posts that are over 140 characters these days. If people do read an article, it’s likely they’re skimming it – not reading word for word – to find the info that’s important to them and move on.

Well, that’s how I listen some days – I “skim listen.” As it turns out, my skim listening is selective and if I had to “blame” it on something, I’d blame it on adulting and constantly adding responsibilities to my plate.

Being a mom/wife/daughter/sister/aunt/friend/employee/co-worker- entails a lot – lots of talking, texting, date nights, planning, scheduling, providing emergency services, food prep, cooking, cleaning, medical services, chaueffering, conflict resolution, referee, therapist, and so much more. There’s a thousand thoughts going through my mind at any given moment and a few of those thoughts may go by the waistside because they aren’t a priority at that moment. It isn’t so much that I don’t listen, but how I categorize some things in my head.

My mind is always aware someon’es talking to me, the conversation just fades some, like a background character in a movie, if they were just talking and it wasn’t necessarily a conversation. I’m fully engaged to start but when the conversation starts to drift into the weeds, I start to skim listen. I always catch inflection changes and my mind would bring the background forward again. I’m able to generally recite the subject they were talking about. I’m able to ask questions for clarity and answer questions.

Skim listening happens during various conversations. Sometimes I skim listen when I’m hearing the same complaint, for the millionth time and nothing has been done to change the outcome. For instance, if someone’s man is a terrible partner and continues the same bad behavior, without any attempt at adjusting. The first time I listen, empathize and may offer advice. The second time, I listen, empathize and offer advice. Because third time’s a charm, I listen, empathize and offer advice. But what you’re not going to do is take me down the long, bumpy, wide, scary, and dark hole of insanity with you. If you refuse to do anything about your situation, I can’t care more than you do and I’m going to skim listen, if I answer the call at all. There’s no way I can put energy into the same exact conversation over and over again. If it continues much longer, we’ll have to re-evaluate how we communicate, if we communicate at all anymore.

My husband tells me that I don’t listen to him sometimes, which is a reversal of the sterotypical portrayal of relationships. I listen, but again, things do fade when they aren’t a priority at the moment. If he tells me he’s going out with the guys in a few weeks or that we were invited to a wedding in 4 months, that’s too far in advance for me to give it too much stock, unless something has to be planned for (hotel, travel, etc.). I check the calendar, plug it in and will remind myself to ask for more details as the date gets closer.

He does listen and remember things I tell him, no matter how far away the committment is or how long the story is. He listens. BUT, I think that it’s easier for him to listen and retain the information when his calendar only has the federal holidays it was built with on it. For the whole house- I have every doctor’s appointment, every field trip, every afterschool event, every school affair that needs us to contribute something, every practice, every bill due, every expected delivery, our combined family’s birthdays, and everything in between. My high school daughter who recently started her first job and who will be a high school senior in September, linked her calendar to mine (!), so I also have all of her extensive things as well. When you’re spoonfed the information, as it’s coming up and in digestible bites, I think it would be easier to listen and retain that info. Despite it all, I don’t mind being the keeper of the calendar, and I think the kids prefer it because my husband often says, “babe, you know we can say no to some of these right? They don’t have to go on every class trip or take something in for every toy/food/clothes drive.” Tuh, yeah right- but that’s probably another article. I digress.

At times I’m accused of not listening when people actually had no business talking to me at that particular time in the first place. Working from home is incredibly convenient for me and everyone’s schedules, but when my family has something they feel they need to say, they come into my working space, cop a squat and just start talking a mile a minute (it’s probably too comfy with the loevseat, snacks and good lighting in that space). I put a note on my door and close it when I have a call to take, meeting, or just need to focus, letting the family know I’m off limits for a while, so that I can focus on the task at hand. When that happens, they’ll slip me notes so I can touch base with them later.

The kids are good for talking to me (or talking at me), when they know I’m fully engaged in something else (talking on the phone for instance). Still though. one of them will try to ask me to sign a paper or ask if they could do something. Later, when I have no idea why they’re outside without their chores being done, I get, “but I asked you.” That clearly shouldn’t count- they know I wasn’t listening.

I do admit, there are times where I temporarily check out completely. When people talk to me the way I used to write my undergrad papers, trying to fill space with “thes”, “ands” and quotes, like they have a conversation word minimum, I can’t tune in too long. It drives me crazy, please just get to the point. When people use “um” or “like” every other word, I tend to tune out (this is especially during meetings/presentations, although I try really hard to stay engaged. I think this pet peeve was exacerbated when I took a presentation skills seminar that my previous manager had me take before I started training employees in different call centers).

So, all-in-all, I’ve been accused of not listening, but I actually do listen, just in the way that makes sense for me. Everyone gets where they need to go. I offer sound advice and guidance. I receive and act on sound advice and guidance that’s been given to me. I’m pretty damn good at my job and have constantly been asked to be comfortable being uncomfortable, stepping into projects and roles beyond my station. I just think that as I get older, I don’t want to waste time. I’d rather get right to it.

How do you listen?

-Live, Laugh, Love 💙-

AJ DOM

My kids are living a very different life than I lived. Some of it is charmed and carefree and some is nerve wracking. I grew up in South Jamaica, Queens, NY and they are growing up in the suburbs of Harford County, MD. I got ass whoopings and they get stuff taken away. I paid bills from my parent’s account starting when I was 12 and they just want to buy V-bucks and expect things they want to just show up. I learned how to cook before my teenage years and they will Doordash the hell outta some Chick-Fil-A. I had to fill out all of my school paperwork and they…nevermind. No need in going on- it’s definitely our fault. Fault- not sure that’s the right word for it, but I’ll leave it for now. I hope that my kids will survive their adulthoods without too much heartache since they didn’t get the chance to experience some of the things that made us resilient at a younger age. The differences in how I grew up versus how they’re growing up is almost night and day and occasionally I wonder if growing up without any strife will cause an issue in their adulthood when things become harder.

I think we (society) are raising softer kids in our efforts to give them better lives than we had. I think we’ve put them in a bubble; a bubble they never really asked for. Adults give teams trophies for games they didn’t win- even if the team played terribly or without effort. Kids are coddled more often than not and it shows. But how will they have the opportunity to improve or why would they want to if mediocrity all around them is rewarded?

That’s the dream though right? Who wants their kid to struggle, suffer and hurt? Who wants their kids to be hard and emotionless? I sure don’t. BUT when we eliminated all that struggle, suffering and hurt, are we delaying their ability to become resilient sooner. I’m not saying they need the lives we had exactly- they don’t need the trauma and post traumatic stress. They don’t need horrible things to happen to them to grow with know-how, grit and character.

Some things had to be done differently to break a cycle and I understand. I didn’t get spanked all the time when I was younger, but I definitely got a few. I can remember wanting to hit one of the boys because he hit the other (really hard- gave him a welt), and saying “Don’t hit!” but a lightbulb went off in my head. I was a hypocritical ass. How in the world did it make sense to punish him for hitting someone, by hitting him? The math wasn’t mathing.

I punish in different ways these days. The grandest punishment was to take everything that has a power cord- (doing this I also realized how much stuff my kids have- tv, cable box, cell phone, Wii, WiiU, XBox, Switch, Cricket, laptop, tablet, karaoke machine, digital camera, polaroid camera and I’m sure other stuff I’m not remembering). The base punishment was these items were taken away for 2 weeks. The end of the punishment was phased. After the 2 weeks, the items could be earned back one by one. The catch was– they didn’t come with the charger. For example, if the cell phone was earned back, I gave it back fully charged, but the charger had to be earned- better choose carefully who you want to text and call. Fine, you earned the tv, you also have to earn the power cord. Punishments had been relatively light and my daughter didn’t understand the level of petty that exists within me. The boys learned from her and haven’t experienced this- yet anyway.

Traveling is different too. While I traveled everywhere around my neighborhood and way beyond growing up, and understood how to get to places, while they only know how to follow the blue dot on Waze. I grew up in a densely populated city and that was during a time all the neighbors knew each other and would look out for each other’s kids. I also grew up in a predominately black neighborhood and didn’t worry about standing out or being treated differently (the neighborhood is vastly different today). My kids are growing up in a moderately diverse suburban neighborhood with predominately white schools. I keep them close and have evolving and continuous conversations about what to do in various situations no matter where they are that may involve other people or police (I’ll write in more detail about this heartache in another article). My beautifully chocolate twins are 13 years old, 6 feet tall, 190 pounds wearing a men’s size 13 shoe. They have baby faces but stand as big as men. I feel the need to protect them all and that limits what they can do on their own, which is very different than the freedom I had growing up.

There’s also the issue with personal space and protecting oneself. When I was younger (13, 14, 15ish), I’d often pass through Jamaica Avenue (long strip of separate shopping stores) and didn’t realize until I was older that I was regularly being harassed. I would walk by a guy on the sidewalk (maybe my age, most times they were way older) and they’d grab my arm, wrist, hand or waist and tell me how pretty or cute I was and asked for my number and do all the talking they thought was smooth. Or if I was walking and just thinking, I’d hear so many times, ‘you’re too cute not to be smiling girl- SMILE‘ (which sounded more like a demand for their pleasure, than a need for me). That always annoyed me and still does today- because I’m not smiling doesn’t make me upset or angry. But I learned how to get out of those situations and how to get left alone.

I would never want my daughter to go through that, but I do want her to learn how to navigate the world of ego inflated, disrespectful and extremely sensitive men (I know this population is the exception and not the norm, but it definitely exists). Some men these days are just built differently. Back in the day, I could get away with rejecting a person and still know I’d make it home alive- even if they weren’t happy with my decision). Women today have to be very careful with how they reject someone’s advances. Someone very close to me was shot in the leg by a guy because she didn’t want to give him her phone number- that shit is terrifying (she’s ok and was a young teen at the time and he was grown). So, my daughter (and my sons) will have to know how to defend themselves. She will be at the gun range and be licensed to carry. She is being taught how to change her tire and add oil (whenever possible, I don’t want any of them stopped on the side of any road waiting for a stranger to help). She currently carries pepper spray and knows how to use a personal taser. My sons are also being taught not to be those guys on Jamaica Avenue; not to be those men that belittle and degrade women because they said no; and to also protect themselves against anyone who feels their masculinity is supposed to be defined by their level of aggression.

When I was younger, I learned how to call a utility company and work out a payment plan, get an extension or how to ‘put something on it’ to keep the utility on another few days. I knew how to fill out paperwork and wrote my own absence notes and my mom just signed them. A couple years ago, I told my daughter to call her dad at work. She was so nervous. She asked what she should say. I looked at her with a sideye and said, ‘girl, just ask for your father.’ She asked if she should ask for “daddy” or say his name. It was then that I realized, she’d never called a place of business before – and that was fine. She just never had to before and needed to be taught.

With those thoughts in mind, I have to find ways to allow them to grow, explore and be uncomfortable, while keeping my anxiety levels down and being there to support them as they learn. They can walk to the store (there’s barely any sidewalks here and I always had sidewalks); they bare some responsibility with any communication that needs to be done on their behalf; they’ve gotten lessons about their bank accounts, money management, credit scores etc.; they can ride their bikes all around the neighborhood; they can hang out with friends around the neighborhood; and more- I’m learning.

I dealt with a lot growing up, but they also deal with a lot. The stress they put on themselves to be successful is a strain I didn’t feel nearly as strongly as they do. Kids can be more anxious these days as well. Social media rules their lives (my kids weren’t/aren’t allowed to have social media until they’re 16 and even then, they can choose two platforms). Living through this cancel culture world can easily make them want to retreat inside themselves and become hermits, but they seem to be doing a great job adjusting and going with the flow- or being just as content fighting a battle and going against the flow and not letting others dictate how they live or what they like.

I’ll end this trying to even things out a bit. Although there are things many kids don’t know how to do, that I knew how to do when I was 10, there are plenty of things they can do that I couldn’t fathom still. They are growing up with technology at the center of everything they do. My daughter set up my website and continues to learn the settings and keep it evolving because I had no clue. I have a smartphone, but I use it for basic things- phone, texting, pictures, Google, paying bills. But she knows the ins and outs of the camera; she actually knows what changed after updates; they’ve taught me so many things about the settings and functions that I would have never learned on my own. The boys have taught me all kinds of video games and one of them showed me how he coded his own board in a game. They taught me that kids can be very smart and be great and honest conversationalists. They’re all patient, kind and great teachers. They’re also born into the notion that happiness is key- not a title or position. Hopefully they won’t feel the pressure to stay within a situation for the sake of loyalty only. People are no longer staying in that unhealthy relationship because they stood at the altar. People aren’t staying at the same job from high school through retirement when they are being overlooked or mistreated.

I’m proud of the people they are and who they are becoming and they didn’t have to grow up just like me to get there.

-Live, Laugh, Love 💙-

AJ DOM

How in the world do you get people to leave your house? Clearly if they’re inside and staying over, you don’t mind their company, even enjoy it and at some point or another- they were invited or allowed in. While hosting can be fun, at times, it can feel overwhelming and less like bonding. I’ve had conversations with friends and they offered some of the ways they let their company know their time is up. Some of my favorites are- Don’t let me hold you. Thanks for stopping by. WAZE shows clear roads going your way. Wow, it’s gotten so late. Thanks for coming. You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here. We’ll have to do this again soon. I’m going to go ahead and call it a night. Do you need to use the bathroom before you go? Or do you do something like start cleaning? Start collecting the linens. Turn the music off. Start turning the lights off around the house. Start inching towards the door. These are a few ways people may nudge their company, but do they work? Do you feel any guilt?

I think my little family is a pretty cool one. We are really accommodating when we have guests over- whether it’s for an hour, an event that lasts several hours, or visiting for a few days. We recently bought our first home and while it’s spacious for us, it can quickly start to feel crowded. We also try to keep a neat home (as much as we can with teenagers). It’s bright and inviting- but these things could be our “problem.” People enjoy visiting and staying with us and while we enjoy the company of our friends and family, it can become a lot if someone pops over unexpectedly or stays longer than expected.

“Our Challenges:”

We are accommodating to a fault and are learning from this as we get older. We try to be hospitable and have drinks and snacks we know our company enjoys when they stay over. We like to make dinner they’d enjoy. They have control of the den television remote. We make them feel at home.

We are incredibly respectful of people who are adultier adults. We call older folks by Mr, Miss or Mrs- as do our children. But that also means that we curb our language and musical choices (I can’t cook or clean without music bumping and my playlist can be anywhere from Holy to ratchet and everywhere in between. One minute Tamala Mann is Taking us to the King, then Megan is rapping about a Hot Girl Summer, then Jay was just f*n them h*s, he was gonna get right back, to Al Green singing about Love and Happiness to Aerosmith telling me to Dream On). There’s some music that automatically illicit a dutty wine or a booty pop, so I avoid it all when we have adultier adults in the vicinity.

We always offer up the basement or one of the kids rooms- sorry kids. However, no one ever takes us up on that and prefer to sleep on the couch (it’s a comfy couch though). A slight concern with staying/visiting in the shared space of any house (a couple days is usually ok) they don’t have any privacy, which sucks to me, but seems fine for visitors. What that also means is that there’s always STUFF around (I don’t like clutter). There’s always bags and suitcases that they’re temporarily living out of and blankets and sheets folded in some corner of the couch. That’s a slighter issue than the next ones friends mentioned.

Have you ever had anyone visit who invited other visitors over? Dude, even though we may have helped you feel that way, you aren’t at home, you can’t just invite people over. Or what about someone who brings their pets with them? We don’t currently have a pet, but not everyone raises their pets the way we have. We don’t allow pets on the couch or laying on our bed pillows. Some people feel their pet can act the way the do at home, at someone else’s house and that can be bothersome. The same can go for children. We can’t have kids running across our couch and *trying* to just go in our fridge or pantry. That’s really only a problem when the parent says or does nothing about it, and forces us to have to.

“The Resolution:”

What’s the resolution to the overall issue of guests overstaying their welcome? What started out as a pleasant and welcome visit some how meanders off the road. I’ve found that there are a couple ways to approach it. We’ve had to learn to stand up for ourselves and our house. We want to be hospitable, but we can’t allow ourselves to be taken advantage of.

These days, if someone stays over, we set expectations. ‘Ok, we can’t wait to see you for the 2 days you’re visiting.’ The length of time our guest plans on staying is discussed and agreed on beforehand so there aren’t any disruptions to any plans we may have.

The day before they’re supposed to leave, we may ask if they have everything they need for their return trip; if there are any last minute places they want to go or how they would like to spend their last night in town. Let’s go ahead and close the door on thoughts of staying longer- give us the chance to miss you.

Recently I heard someone say, “No is a full sentence” and that was perfect. If someone wants to stay with us and we have things to do or just don’t want them to, we simply say, ‘No, that’s not going to work for us. We’ll have to figure out another time.’ And that requires no explanation or apology. We don’t have to have plans, we just may not have the energy to expel on houseguests and we’ve learned we don’t have to always be so accessible and that’s ok.

We’re hosts by nature. We love to do it and we love that our friends and family love us. We love that they choose us. The friends I spoke with love it too. Some cook and clean and buy groceries for the house and spend lots of quality time with the kids. Most times, the experience is great. There are just those few times that make you want to shut down your whole house like it’s the beginning of the pandemic.

With Easter coming up this weekend, if you will be a guest in someone’s house, just be sure to be considerate. Don’t let your kids jump all over their furniture or write on their walls. Don’t let your pet climb on their furniture if it makes them uncomfortable. Do bring snacks your kids like (or alchohol that you like) so their pantry or bar aren’t left bare (although they’ll likely anticipate those things). Try not to be judgy or naggy. Mostly, just have fun and make great memories.

So how do you regulate your houseguest visits and stays? Do you have any houseguest pet peeves? What is your breaking point to let guests know it’s time to go? What do you love about having houseguests? Comment below and let me know your thoughts!

-Live, Laugh, Love 💙-

AJ DOM

Everyone has weird quirks. I have a few myself that may seem strange or odd. I am going to preface this article by saying that many of you may think that I’m a bit different or “touched” as the older women in my community would say. I’ll take that. But I know my real people will understand me. Let’s have a conversation about our quirks. If a psychologist is reading, let me know your thoughts! LOL Take a look at the short commercial below before you continue reading.

I remember when I first saw that commercial, so many years ago. That was back in the day when we had to watch commercials to get to the next part of the show. I don’t know why the commercial drew me in the way that it did when it started. I watched the commercial intently and by the end of the minute I was almost in a full cry. It was ridiculous. I felt ridiculous. For what reason would I cry about a lamp being thrown out? I had no other reasons to feel that emotional about this seemingly insignificant scenario.

At that moment, I realized that I give feelings to inanimate objects, personification. But it felt deeper than just giving an inanimate object personal or human characteristics. It’s the recurrence of this. This commercial depicted such a sad scenario. The lamp worked fine. The lamp was doing its job lighting the room and crushing its assignment. The lamp was removed from the house altogether, not repurposed in another room or offered an explanation as to why the new one was better (yup, I mean that). The lamp was sat out in the rain in what I assume was coldness, not understanding what it possibly could have done wrong to deserve such treatment. I felt so bad for the lamp (and honestly still do). Oddly, this is just one example of this weird quirk of mine.

Who has seen Toy Story? I fully believe that toys have feelings- don’t judge me. I’m a Winnie the Pooh FANATIC. I have a huge Winnie the Pooh that my husband bought me about 20 years ago. It’s still in immaculate condition. Kids are not allowed to play with him and if a kid wants to fight Pooh or throw him around, I don’t let them, because he’ll get “hurt”. Am I too old to believe this still? Y’all parents know toys are “real.” How many times have you heard a toy start glowing or making noise when no one else was in the room or touched it? It happens a lot.

Moving on-

Whenever I add paper to my printer, I add new paper to the back of the holder because I don’t want the new paper to skip the line. It only seems fair. The same goes for when I add new toilet paper rolls to the bathroom or anything else where there’s an “order” or line.

Any type of bean or vegetable coming from a can have to all come out of the can so they can fulfill their destinies (of being cooked of course)- weirdly, I don’t feel the same about cereal, chips or the like. Just discovered that as I wrote it. Hmm.

I won’t bore you (or concern you) with ALL of my wackiness, but I’ll list a few more: Money has to face the same direction; I tie candy wrappers into bows- now it’s pretty trash; when I hear short sentences, I always count the number of words in my head; when I read headlines on tv, I always look to see what letters the words have in common- see if they’re cosmically connected; I’m always counting windows (car windows, house windows- not tall buildings though- who has the time?); it’s like my fingers glow (in my mind) after I touch something outside of home or dirty in general, as a reminder that they’re dirty and need to be washed or sanitized (even pre-pandemic).

Having unread notifications drives me crazy. If anyone sends me a screenshot of something, the first thing I notice is if they have a banner of notifications at the top of their screen. I call out my siblings and husband all the time, like, please read that or swipe it off. It’s to the point they’ve become a bit self-conscious about sending me screenshots that include their notifications- I’m sorry y’all. I’m working on this though. LOL Everything doesn’t require my immediate attention and I don’t have to be so available all the time. It’s okay for non emergency things to sit for a bit. They’ve probably got it figured out and I’m the one who needs to get on board.

So, enough about some of the things that make me tick. I think if my quirks aren’t adversely affecting my life or how I interact with people, they’re ok. As I’ve said though, there are a couple that I’m working on because who has the time to deal with them and it’ll free up some mental space.

Don’t judge me-

What kinds of quirks do you have?

-Live, Laugh, Love 💙-

AJ DOM

I don’t know if “modern day” parenting or “progressive” parenting is a real thing or term, but I feel like my husband and I are doing it. It could be just regular ol’ parenting. We ask a lot of questions and I in particular, ask “how do you feel,” and “what do you think about that,” and “how can this process be improved?” Maybe it’s my upbringing. Maybe it’s my own psychology degree. Maybe it’s my human resources training. Maybe I have no idea what the answer is and they can help (kids are smarter than we give them credit for). Maybe their feelings should actually be considered, even though they are children with little life experience and no money. But I wonder at times…. is this too much meddling in grown folks business?

Are my kids going to grow up and demand their voices be heard in circumstances where it should not be (yes I believe these circumstances do exist). Before I dive in, let me offer you some background on my upbringing.

I grew up in Queens in the 80’s. My dad was a black Vietnam veteran who lived through Jim Crow, bussing, who didn’t know his dad and his uncles were his best friends and had a very difficult childhood. My mom is a psychologist, who mainly worked with those mandated by court to seek counseling. She also had a very challenging childhood and is one of fourteen. I am the oldest of 4 (2 sisters and brother is the youngest). I grew up saying “Yes ma’am” and having no choice but to have great manners. To this day, I don’t call a woman older than me (an adultier adult) by her first name without a Miss, Ms. or Mrs. in front of it, (same respect for men) unless they insist. My children also have these manners.

Growing up in Queens, we had a close-knit community where we all knew each other, and our parents knew each other. While we had the freedom to explore, we did have some rules and regulations. We had a curfew and if we were not in by that time, my dad and our German Shepherd, would come looking for us. If we saw dad walking the dog in our neck of the woods, we knew we were in trouble.

As far as decisions went- I don’t remember my parents or grandparents asking what we wanted for dinner. I don’t remember being asked what I wanted to wear. I don’t remember being asked if I wanted to go to church. I don’t remember being asked what I thought about the house that was being purchased. I don’t remember being asked how I thought a problem in the house should be resolved. I did what I was told or risked losing the feeling in my ass for days to come.

Fast forward to today’s day and time. Our daughter is sixteen and the boys- twins are thirteen. They get asked all types of “what do you think,” “what would you like to do,”. “let’s vote on dinner” type of questions in our house.

While I understand that they are children, I think engagement and communication are incredibly important when raising children (or in any relationship really), but not everyone feels the same way. Especially in today’s fast-paced, completely virtual and cyber world. The more feeling I can get out of them, despite the amount of cold screens surrounding them, the better. But damn it, where should the line be drawn? Sometimes I’ll ask the kids what they want for breakfast (on the weekends) and often they’ll have options for dinner and sometimes we’ll make several options- I have a picky eater (chicken nuggets and fries, cereal or pancakes and bacon are the go-to’s). I will offer options for activities during an off day or they may give input on summer vacations.

Don’t get me wrong- we still parent. Not everything is up for debate and there are plenty of things that have to get done without explanation- chores without payment for those chores- they are essentially cleaning up what they messed up; bedtimes; school and the work that comes along with it; punishment and the loss of things and activities if schoolwork is not being done successfully or if they are generally acting like jerks.

Here’s where my theory gets into some trouble- there’s an ego involved with being a parent that can’t be denied. I’m the parent. I’ve lived longer and had more experiences. I’m the parent and solely for that fact, I’m right. That power trip and high of being the almighty parent, can sometimes interrupt the lesson I am trying to teach.

I guess this is part of the parental ego, but in general can be a concern if not addressed- when the children think their opinions hold as much weight as the parents. The trouble comes in when an attitude is given when the opinion is acknowledged and rejected. The trouble comes in when I, in turn, am asked a bunch of questions to validate the final decision. I may have to cut a question or opinion short because it bordered on warranting a throat chop or pop to the back of the head or something being taken away. They are getting older and trying to see how far the boundaries can be pushed, but disrespect is not tolerated in any way, shape or form and is always addressed in the moment. They have to understand that their message has to be delivered respectfully as freedom of speech can come with consequences.

The questions I ask to gauge their comfort sound reasonable to me. I want my children to have a safe space to express themselves so that they don’t get outside of the house and act an ass. I want them to feel included in some of the decisions, so that they feel good about what’s happening and don’t later resent us for making a huge decision that may affect the rest of their lives. I want them to care about the feelings of others- not to be confused with the opinions of others. I want them to learn to express their thoughts and feelings in constructive ways. I want my boys to understand that a man can be strong and care for his family but can also be vulnerable and able to express their feelings without being judged. I want my daughter to understand that because she may have an opinion that may differ from someone else’s in the future conference room, that won’t make her an angry or difficult black woman.

I remind them that we engage them on some things as a courtesy. Decisions can easily be made without any input from them at all. As the adults, we make decisions based on the best interest of everyone in the house. We will not make decisions that affect them adversely (or we will damn sure try our best), but we do not owe it to them. It is not a right. I hope they come to understand why we do this and improve upon it with their own families.

I hope this duality isn’t confusing. I want them to have a safe space, but I don’t want them to take advantage of it. I want them to know what’s happening around them (as much as a child should/could know without interrupting their childhood), but I don’t want to be asked a million questions. I want them to express themselves, but to understand they’re still children and words have penalties.

As any of you parent know- parenting is a tightrope walk and isn’t always easy. I’ll let you know how this is working out…

-Live, Laugh, Love 💙-

AJ DOM

Originally written in 2015…

Do you remember what foreplay used to be? The time you and your partner spent caressing one another and kissing like high school kids. Do you remember the sensual massages, the strawberries and cream? Do you remember taking a half hour just to light candles all around your room and lay flower petals around? Do you remember making sure you were groomed just right and smelled like every last morsel of you could be eaten?

Those days are so far gone, I can barely remember their existence. It’s not anyone’s fault really. Things have just changed. Who has the time for all of the foreplay of the past? As the mother to three very active children, who goes to school and works full time, foreplay has a brand new meaning for me. I literally don’t have the time or the patience for the old pampering, however nice it may be. If I get a sensual massage, I may fall asleep before it’s done. If he gives me a drink at home and dim the lights, I’ll be into a great night’s sleep before he got the chance to cuddle next to me. If he brings strawberries and whipped cream to the bed, chances are I am going to be thinking about the mess I will have to clean up the following day.

I sound a bit ungrateful. I sound like I don’t care to put in the effort. I sound like I am not interested in keeping a man interested. Truth is, foreplay just happens in a different way now and it doesn’t just take place the two hours before sex actually happens, it takes place all day long. If I get up in the morning and the kids are already dressed and have eaten breakfast, oh I’m noticing. If I get to the cleaners and my blouses are already picked up, loosen the collar, it’s getting warm. If the trash is already by the curb, I’m trying to remember if I’m baby smooth. If I get home and the kids are starting their homework and the sitter is has already been relieved, my panties are halfway to the floor. And if I got in and dinner was already made, and it wasn’t Cheetos and ice cream, we may as well go straight into the bedroom (or closet, bathroom, garage, back of the truck, wherever is kid free).

Getting ready for sex no longer requires him to play with my hair or break out all the oils or going through ALL of the bases til you’re ready to come home. Don’t get me wrong though, I don’t disavow all of those things altogether, I just don’t have as much time as I used to. Whenever there is time, I would love to have a massage or have a drink. Those things are still sexy and they are still relaxing and they still help to get the mood started, even if I start off not in the mood, but they aren’t a requirement.

Foreplay itself was two hours. Sex used to be all through the night and only stopping for bathroom and water breaks, but I wonder if people still have sex all night long? I have a lot of things on my mind for the next day and while I have no issue being in the moment, I don’t want to have sex all night. I want to sleep. I need to sleep. Chances are I was up since 6 am like every other day and wrestling with children. Is that terrible? I feel like such a guy when I think these things. I feel that with my new terms for foreplay, time is actually saved when it comes time to “get it in,” because he has been prepping me all day. He’s got me one hundred percent invested for about thirty to forty-five minutes on a regular night. Don’t showboat, just get ‘er done. If we went out and had a few drinks or I managed to stay awake during drink time at home, he’s got way more time to play, but still not all night. If we are both off in the morning and there are no kids home (how often does that happen), great, we can go for a couple rounds.

Doing it all requires so much from a mom and it can be incredibly hard to balance. Any way you prefer your foreplay and sex time, it’s vital to have it. A healthy relationship needs it to thrive. If all of the foreplay ways of the past don’t work for you, find your new triggers. It makes things so much easier when you know what helps turn you on.

2022 UPDATE:

Has anything changed in the 6 and a half years since I wrote this article? Yes, our children have gotten older. Our daughter is preparing for college- she’s finishing up her junior year in high school and the twins are going into high school next year.

Troy and I have been able to take time to ourselves. Everything isn’t as rushed as it used to be. We’ve gotten to know each other better, as a family and as a couple. In the last 6 and a half years, I’ve gotten my master’s degree, gone into the field my degree is in (that’s rare these days), we’ve gotten married and bought a house.

I’ll tell ya something that’s pretty sexy- not talking about our rent- but talking about our mortgage.

What else has changed? Our kids don’t have to be watched as closely. They can make their own meals when needed and we can tell them to give us some time alone. We can enjoy date night without a sitter because they are 16 and 13.

Things have shifted. It’s no longer about taking the trash out and feeding the kids – the kids have chores and that stuff is done already. In this phase of our lives, sexiness and desire are turned up with not only the pleasures of our earlier years (massages, date nights, oils, cocktails and general time together), but with some mature additions. I love the talks of ambition and future successes. LLCs, leadership and finding ourselves professionally are sexy enough to make things tingle. Talking about the future, breaking out the power tools, gathering passport stamps, discussing stock trades, 401ks, breaking generational curses, racing each other to an immaculate credit score, checking on each other’s mental health, and making sure our children have financial literacy are discussions that make things so damn hot.

I imagine that if I update this post again in 5 years, the way we turn each other on will be completely different. I guess we’ll talk in a few years! Stay sensual and get yours however it comes at this point in your life 😊.

-Live, Laugh, Love 💙-

AJ DOM