When I thought about writing this, I immediately remembered this interview from 2023 with Michelle Obama, led by Angie Martinez. Miss Martinez and Mrs. Obama, you started a great cross-generational conversation last year and I would like to know when the next installment of this conversation is. And when it does, I’d love to be there. This discussion was about Mrs. Obama’s new book and life in general, “The Light We Carry,” and included Tina Knowles, Kelly Rowland, Winnie Harlow, and Gabriella Wilson, known worldwide as H.E.R. The conversation touched on parenthood, whether or not a parent should try to be their kid’s friend, as well as how to guide them in the world. It was a great introduction to the conversation, but I have so many questions. Guiding kids and shaping their existence isn’t easy, but it seems easier than raising adults who have to blaze their own paths and who, quite frankly, don’t have to listen to me.
My daughter, Nay, is 18 and attends college as a biomedical engineering major (she’s way smarter than I’ve ever been academically). PLEASE give me a psychology, humanities, or philosophy class over science or math any day. She ran a small business before she was in high school painting canvases, making bracelets, and creating awesome crotcheted pieces as gifts. She was in her school band as a great trumpet player. She’s an all-around good kid and gave us no real trouble throughout her school years. I say all of this so that you get to know the kid, excuse me, young adult, that is Nay.
The 17 years before now were all just the preparation for adulthood. I know adulthood doesn’t equal knowing the answers to everything at 18- that’s impossible and unfair. But the years of raising and guiding were all test prep. There were mini quizzes after each chapter- a little challenge if you will- to see how well we understood the topic, before moving on to bigger and more complicated concepts. Passing these knowledge checks also boosted my confidence and morale- like- “Okay, okay, I can reuse these tactics for the ones coming up under her” or “Nah, that was trash and set us back, throw that shit out.” Honestly, there’s not a whole lot that can be reused anyway since the ones coming up behind her are boys- they’re a whole different ballgame.
Every once in a while I would have to “go back and re-read the chapter,” because I have no idea where this kid got the notions she got. At what point did I infer that that behavior was acceptable? Yes, you can convey your feelings about something, but I dare you to get disrespectful or raise your voice at the person who sustains your life. Did I miss something? I had to have. Did I agree to something that I didn’t remember? Did she ask me something while I was on the phone and not paying attention? Or as Kelly Rowland said during the conversation, “darn this gentle parenting!”
Or how many times did I try to solve a problem in terms of what I was missing as I grew up, making her future about me, and when I made a left but should have made a right? Am I living parts of my life vicariously through her? Parenting seems it should be selfless- an altruistic undertaking that’s full of pride for the huge contribution being made to the world- MY KID. I’M SHARING MY KID WITH THE WORLD and what I’m getting in return is a lifetime of worry and self-doubt (of course I’m being somewhat dramatic- there’s also pride, happiness, excitement and more). That hardly seems like a fair trade though.
In that same vein, parenting can feel a bit narcissistic at times- me me me. What did I have that my kids also need? What didn’t I have that my kids need? What lessons did I learn that they need to know? What lessons did I learn late in life and they need to know? How can they be better than me? How can they buy a house earlier than I did? How can they be financially literate earlier than I was (I was in my 30’s by the way- but that’s another conversation)? But when my kid went off to college (or when they are just out of the nest and out from under my wing), I feel like the real test began. And there goes that ‘me’ notion again- Forget will she pass, will WE, the parents pass? Isn’t that the real test? If I pass, then they kinda pass by default. Right??? I mean it seems like it’s about me, but it’s really about their survival and their ability to be happy, self-confident, independent, kind, law-abiding, successful people (by their definition- and lets be honest- by my definition too), in this upside-down world.
After high school graduation, it seemed like time started to fast forward and there was nothing I could do to stop it. She was going away to school- far enough that she could have her freedom, but close enough that we could get to her in a reasonable time if necessary. But all the lessons started running through my mind from the last 17 years. Can she defend herself verbally and physically? Did I tell her…? Does she understand…? Did we review…? Does she know how to…? Will she call if…? Then I overwhelmed her- and by overwhelmed her, I mean Popeyes dry ass biscuit, with no jelly and no drink choked her, with impromptu, disjointed and disconnected lessons. All the lessons that were pushed back or I didn’t think were important at the time, started getting thrown at her, rapid fire- professional batting cage without a helmet fast. She had no chance to sit it in, to really understand, and to wrap her mind around the importance of the lesson. I was just the teacher from Charlie Brown with no real voice until she stopped me in my tracks one day and told me that it was too much. She couldn’t understand why I was trying to cram for a test that has multiple parts and would take an eternity to complete. Ugh… that made sense but didn’t make me feel any better. I knew I still had to give the lessons, but this time in digestible bites and some of it in Gen Z speak (that shit is hard. This language is short, to the point and full of acronyms, but somehow still includes some entitlements and “the right to be heard”).
So- apologies for my long-windedness- to finally get to the real question- how in the world do you raise a young adult?
Nay is finishing up her first year of college- yay! But I struggled with where to step in and where to let her fall and learn- as an adult (and if she falls, how hard should be allowed- scraped knee or lose teeth?). She had to learn the boundaries of college, which were very different than what she had set in high school.
Another lesson of adulthood- put everything you can in writing. If you have a conversation of importance, summarize it in an email or take personal notes. She had a horrible fall college session. She talked to me about her struggles often and I offered my advice- as an adult, as a woman, as a mom, as a South Side Jamaica Queens-er, as a HR professional. I gave her space all semester to get the issue resolved. To her credit, she tried and tried really hard. The next semester was to start in a couple weeks and there were still some unresolved matters, and she was getting the run around. I’d had enough and said, “TAG ME IN!!!!!!” It had been practically a whole semester, so she didn’t hesitate. I cc’d her on my correspondence and let her know step by step how I planned to help. I checked in with her before sending anything off to make sure she was comfortable with the path I was taking. Afterall, she had to attend the school and deal with any potential fall out in person so she had to understand the angles and how they could affect her. Thankfully, her issue was resolved within 48 hours and she learned a new lesson.
Should I have asked to be tagged in? I dunno. Would she have been able to resolve her housing concern on her own eventually? Maybe. Probably. Most likely- she is the same kid who reached out to the state senator’s office to get her passport expedited all on her own when there was a chance she could miss a trip to Mexico because her passport hadn’t arrived. But dammit $45k forked out for 1 year and gone- POOF! like a fart in the wind, I had to step in. Amazingly though, she took up the cause with her friends who ran into trouble for the fall ’24 semester. She got meetings on the books with the right people and kept immaculate logs of communication. She wasn’t afraid or intimidated by the titles of those she had to reach out to, kept her composure and made me proud of her efforts. So how bad could it have been that I intervened? (that’s rhetorical because I really don’t know lol). But I will try to continue expanding the space I give her to resolve her own complex and nuanced issues.
My next struggle raising an adult- What about freedom? I mean if she can buy lotto tickets and elect a president, she should be able to have her own schedule right? What about when she visits home? The first couple of visits, Nay called and asked about stopping off at a friend’s house on the way home. That was fine. The next day, she asked about driving here, there, and everywhere. It was great that she communicated with us, it was her car- we bought it for her- but it was hers. Did she have to ask to go to these places- I don’t know. I do know that I wouldn’t have at her age. I would’ve made very matter-of-fact statements about where I was going. In fact, I did, and I didn’t even have my own car- in my mom’s- the freakin’ audacity I had.
We said no to some of the things she wanted to do when she came home (they were too far, it’s getting dark, you don’t know the neighborhood…), but I felt conflicted about that. Why? Why couldn’t she go? Was I holding onto some twisted sense of power that I felt slipping from my grasp? Was it really too dangerous? Was I scared she didn’t have to listen to me anymore and I, therefore, couldn’t keep her safe?
What I ultimately came to realize on subsequent visits home was that, while I trust her immensely, I had NO IDEA where she was going and what she was doing when at school, unless we talked about it. And what teenager tells their parents EVERYTHING? For that, I had to trust that her character would supercede intrusive or destructive thoughts or actions. For all I know, she could be spending her weekends in Connecticut or New York- exploring and having fun. And isn’t she supposed to? God, I was everywhere and I mean everywhere. My saving grace in saying no at the time, was pointing out that this is a different time and place than when I grew up, but the test we talked about earlier can’t officially begin if I don’t let her turn over the paper, pick up her pencil, and get started right? (showing my age because clearly, no one takes tests with pencils and paper anymore).
What about long “visits” like summer vacation? A couple of months after she went off to college, I asked her twin brothers what they missed about having their sister home. The consensus- a third of the workforce was gone. They now had to pick up all of the kid dog walks, kitchen cleaning, and bathroom cleaning. Their response was asshole-ish, but I laughed. It was funny. And it was true. They were now responsible for the things she used to do. But what about that? Do we roll her back into the chore list when she comes back for the summer? Does she get added to the dog-walking schedule? To the bathroom cleaning schedule? Do we add a new role as “little brother taxi?” Shit if I know. I’ll let y’all know when I figure it out. My broke best friend will have to contribute in one way or another though, but she’s never had an issue with contributing to the house, so that shouldn’t be hard.
What about finances? I’ve found after this first year of college, I need to hide her accounts from my view. They only stress me the hell out. I send the budgeted money for the month, each month (and this was adjusted from fall to spring). Then the money seems like it disappears- like a horrible magic trick. I then make the mistake of looking at what she spent the money on (enter Homer Simpson’s “DOH!”) and she spends money like a trust fund baby. In my mind, that’s none of my business. She has to learn to budget. In my day, I didn’t get paid til Friday, but could fill my gas tank up on Wednesday. The bank would only hold $1 when I swiped at the pump and the float would take 2 days. So by the time my gas charge hit, I got paid. I could also make $20 last a week. She doesn’t make a habit of asking for money, we already discussed her monthly budget, and she has no issue Doordashing on the weekends. But that makes me uneasy, because again, does she know where she shouldn’t be? Did I teach her not to leave her purse on the front seat, carry her phone and keep a card separate from her wallet and carry her pepper spray?
She doesn’t even ask for money that often. It’s ME! I’m the problem. I will see her spending account has $3.37 and I say she can’t be out in the world with no money (she has an emergency credit card though) and will transfer money to her account without her ever asking. Then look at the account and feel like a whole clown because what did she NEED from Amazon for 43 of the 50 bucks I just put in her account?! So she’s winning in life because I can’t even complain about how much money I’m sending above the budget. After all, she didn’t ask for it. Geez.
Parenting is a lifelong test. We haven’t even touched on friendships, relationships, sex, careers, and such. I don’t know if parents will ever know if they passed the test or not. Do you know based on how your kids turn out? Do they get a score at the milestones and the cumulative score is my score too? Do we have to wait to see how they raise their kids, our grandkids? I kinda would like my gold star while I’m alive though. Another article for another day- but I KNOW all the same lessons can’t be used for all kids. I’ll probably have to rip out pages from my Nay parenting book and add new ones for the twins- boys. I know that will be hard because here is where I will have to get out of the driver’s seat and let my husband drive and try real hard not to side-seat drive. There are some lessons I can’t teach them and there are some harsh realities they have to hear about and learn to discern in the real world.
Wish me luck and feel free to let me know what suggestions you have for raising a young adult.
-Just get out there and be dope-
AJ DOM
AJ D.O.M. 