AJ D.O.M.

Originally written in 2015…

Do you remember what foreplay used to be? The time you and your partner spent caressing one another and kissing like high school kids. Do you remember the sensual massages, the strawberries and cream? Do you remember taking a half hour just to light candles all around your room and lay flower petals around? Do you remember making sure you were groomed just right and smelled like every last morsel of you could be eaten?

Those days are so far gone, I can barely remember their existence. It’s not anyone’s fault really. Things have just changed. Who has the time for all of the foreplay of the past? As the mother to three very active children, who goes to school and works full time, foreplay has a brand new meaning for me. I literally don’t have the time or the patience for the old pampering, however nice it may be. If I get a sensual massage, I may fall asleep before it’s done. If he gives me a drink at home and dim the lights, I’ll be into a great night’s sleep before he got the chance to cuddle next to me. If he brings strawberries and whipped cream to the bed, chances are I am going to be thinking about the mess I will have to clean up the following day.

I sound a bit ungrateful. I sound like I don’t care to put in the effort. I sound like I am not interested in keeping a man interested. Truth is, foreplay just happens in a different way now and it doesn’t just take place the two hours before sex actually happens, it takes place all day long. If I get up in the morning and the kids are already dressed and have eaten breakfast, oh I’m noticing. If I get to the cleaners and my blouses are already picked up, loosen the collar, it’s getting warm. If the trash is already by the curb, I’m trying to remember if I’m baby smooth. If I get home and the kids are starting their homework and the sitter is has already been relieved, my panties are halfway to the floor. And if I got in and dinner was already made, and it wasn’t Cheetos and ice cream, we may as well go straight into the bedroom (or closet, bathroom, garage, back of the truck, wherever is kid free).

Getting ready for sex no longer requires him to play with my hair or break out all the oils or going through ALL of the bases til you’re ready to come home. Don’t get me wrong though, I don’t disavow all of those things altogether, I just don’t have as much time as I used to. Whenever there is time, I would love to have a massage or have a drink. Those things are still sexy and they are still relaxing and they still help to get the mood started, even if I start off not in the mood, but they aren’t a requirement.

Foreplay itself was two hours. Sex used to be all through the night and only stopping for bathroom and water breaks, but I wonder if people still have sex all night long? I have a lot of things on my mind for the next day and while I have no issue being in the moment, I don’t want to have sex all night. I want to sleep. I need to sleep. Chances are I was up since 6 am like every other day and wrestling with children. Is that terrible? I feel like such a guy when I think these things. I feel that with my new terms for foreplay, time is actually saved when it comes time to “get it in,” because he has been prepping me all day. He’s got me one hundred percent invested for about thirty to forty-five minutes on a regular night. Don’t showboat, just get ‘er done. If we went out and had a few drinks or I managed to stay awake during drink time at home, he’s got way more time to play, but still not all night. If we are both off in the morning and there are no kids home (how often does that happen), great, we can go for a couple rounds.

Doing it all requires so much from a mom and it can be incredibly hard to balance. Any way you prefer your foreplay and sex time, it’s vital to have it. A healthy relationship needs it to thrive. If all of the foreplay ways of the past don’t work for you, find your new triggers. It makes things so much easier when you know what helps turn you on.

2022 UPDATE:

Has anything changed in the 6 and a half years since I wrote this article? Yes, our children have gotten older. Our daughter is preparing for college- she’s finishing up her junior year in high school and the twins are going into high school next year.

Troy and I have been able to take time to ourselves. Everything isn’t as rushed as it used to be. We’ve gotten to know each other better, as a family and as a couple. In the last 6 and a half years, I’ve gotten my master’s degree, gone into the field my degree is in (that’s rare these days), we’ve gotten married and bought a house.

I’ll tell ya something that’s pretty sexy- not talking about our rent- but talking about our mortgage.

What else has changed? Our kids don’t have to be watched as closely. They can make their own meals when needed and we can tell them to give us some time alone. We can enjoy date night without a sitter because they are 16 and 13.

Things have shifted. It’s no longer about taking the trash out and feeding the kids – the kids have chores and that stuff is done already. In this phase of our lives, sexiness and desire are turned up with not only the pleasures of our earlier years (massages, date nights, oils, cocktails and general time together), but with some mature additions. I love the talks of ambition and future successes. LLCs, leadership and finding ourselves professionally are sexy enough to make things tingle. Talking about the future, breaking out the power tools, gathering passport stamps, discussing stock trades, 401ks, breaking generational curses, racing each other to an immaculate credit score, checking on each other’s mental health, and making sure our children have financial literacy are discussions that make things so damn hot.

I imagine that if I update this post again in 5 years, the way we turn each other on will be completely different. I guess we’ll talk in a few years! Stay sensual and get yours however it comes at this point in your life 😊.

-Live, Laugh, Love 💙-

AJ DOM