AJ D.O.M.

My kids are living a very different life than I lived. Some of it is charmed and carefree and some is nerve wracking. I grew up in South Jamaica, Queens, NY and they are growing up in the suburbs of Harford County, MD. I got ass whoopings and they get stuff taken away. I paid bills from my parent’s account starting when I was 12 and they just want to buy V-bucks and expect things they want to just show up. I learned how to cook before my teenage years and they will Doordash the hell outta some Chick-Fil-A. I had to fill out all of my school paperwork and they…nevermind. No need in going on- it’s definitely our fault. Fault- not sure that’s the right word for it, but I’ll leave it for now. I hope that my kids will survive their adulthoods without too much heartache since they didn’t get the chance to experience some of the things that made us resilient at a younger age. The differences in how I grew up versus how they’re growing up is almost night and day and occasionally I wonder if growing up without any strife will cause an issue in their adulthood when things become harder.

I think we (society) are raising softer kids in our efforts to give them better lives than we had. I think we’ve put them in a bubble; a bubble they never really asked for. Adults give teams trophies for games they didn’t win- even if the team played terribly or without effort. Kids are coddled more often than not and it shows. But how will they have the opportunity to improve or why would they want to if mediocrity all around them is rewarded?

That’s the dream though right? Who wants their kid to struggle, suffer and hurt? Who wants their kids to be hard and emotionless? I sure don’t. BUT when we eliminated all that struggle, suffering and hurt, are we delaying their ability to become resilient sooner. I’m not saying they need the lives we had exactly- they don’t need the trauma and post traumatic stress. They don’t need horrible things to happen to them to grow with know-how, grit and character.

Some things had to be done differently to break a cycle and I understand. I didn’t get spanked all the time when I was younger, but I definitely got a few. I can remember wanting to hit one of the boys because he hit the other (really hard- gave him a welt), and saying “Don’t hit!” but a lightbulb went off in my head. I was a hypocritical ass. How in the world did it make sense to punish him for hitting someone, by hitting him? The math wasn’t mathing.

I punish in different ways these days. The grandest punishment was to take everything that has a power cord- (doing this I also realized how much stuff my kids have- tv, cable box, cell phone, Wii, WiiU, XBox, Switch, Cricket, laptop, tablet, karaoke machine, digital camera, polaroid camera and I’m sure other stuff I’m not remembering). The base punishment was these items were taken away for 2 weeks. The end of the punishment was phased. After the 2 weeks, the items could be earned back one by one. The catch was– they didn’t come with the charger. For example, if the cell phone was earned back, I gave it back fully charged, but the charger had to be earned- better choose carefully who you want to text and call. Fine, you earned the tv, you also have to earn the power cord. Punishments had been relatively light and my daughter didn’t understand the level of petty that exists within me. The boys learned from her and haven’t experienced this- yet anyway.

Traveling is different too. While I traveled everywhere around my neighborhood and way beyond growing up, and understood how to get to places, while they only know how to follow the blue dot on Waze. I grew up in a densely populated city and that was during a time all the neighbors knew each other and would look out for each other’s kids. I also grew up in a predominately black neighborhood and didn’t worry about standing out or being treated differently (the neighborhood is vastly different today). My kids are growing up in a moderately diverse suburban neighborhood with predominately white schools. I keep them close and have evolving and continuous conversations about what to do in various situations no matter where they are that may involve other people or police (I’ll write in more detail about this heartache in another article). My beautifully chocolate twins are 13 years old, 6 feet tall, 190 pounds wearing a men’s size 13 shoe. They have baby faces but stand as big as men. I feel the need to protect them all and that limits what they can do on their own, which is very different than the freedom I had growing up.

There’s also the issue with personal space and protecting oneself. When I was younger (13, 14, 15ish), I’d often pass through Jamaica Avenue (long strip of separate shopping stores) and didn’t realize until I was older that I was regularly being harassed. I would walk by a guy on the sidewalk (maybe my age, most times they were way older) and they’d grab my arm, wrist, hand or waist and tell me how pretty or cute I was and asked for my number and do all the talking they thought was smooth. Or if I was walking and just thinking, I’d hear so many times, ‘you’re too cute not to be smiling girl- SMILE‘ (which sounded more like a demand for their pleasure, than a need for me). That always annoyed me and still does today- because I’m not smiling doesn’t make me upset or angry. But I learned how to get out of those situations and how to get left alone.

I would never want my daughter to go through that, but I do want her to learn how to navigate the world of ego inflated, disrespectful and extremely sensitive men (I know this population is the exception and not the norm, but it definitely exists). Some men these days are just built differently. Back in the day, I could get away with rejecting a person and still know I’d make it home alive- even if they weren’t happy with my decision). Women today have to be very careful with how they reject someone’s advances. Someone very close to me was shot in the leg by a guy because she didn’t want to give him her phone number- that shit is terrifying (she’s ok and was a young teen at the time and he was grown). So, my daughter (and my sons) will have to know how to defend themselves. She will be at the gun range and be licensed to carry. She is being taught how to change her tire and add oil (whenever possible, I don’t want any of them stopped on the side of any road waiting for a stranger to help). She currently carries pepper spray and knows how to use a personal taser. My sons are also being taught not to be those guys on Jamaica Avenue; not to be those men that belittle and degrade women because they said no; and to also protect themselves against anyone who feels their masculinity is supposed to be defined by their level of aggression.

When I was younger, I learned how to call a utility company and work out a payment plan, get an extension or how to ‘put something on it’ to keep the utility on another few days. I knew how to fill out paperwork and wrote my own absence notes and my mom just signed them. A couple years ago, I told my daughter to call her dad at work. She was so nervous. She asked what she should say. I looked at her with a sideye and said, ‘girl, just ask for your father.’ She asked if she should ask for “daddy” or say his name. It was then that I realized, she’d never called a place of business before – and that was fine. She just never had to before and needed to be taught.

With those thoughts in mind, I have to find ways to allow them to grow, explore and be uncomfortable, while keeping my anxiety levels down and being there to support them as they learn. They can walk to the store (there’s barely any sidewalks here and I always had sidewalks); they bare some responsibility with any communication that needs to be done on their behalf; they’ve gotten lessons about their bank accounts, money management, credit scores etc.; they can ride their bikes all around the neighborhood; they can hang out with friends around the neighborhood; and more- I’m learning.

I dealt with a lot growing up, but they also deal with a lot. The stress they put on themselves to be successful is a strain I didn’t feel nearly as strongly as they do. Kids can be more anxious these days as well. Social media rules their lives (my kids weren’t/aren’t allowed to have social media until they’re 16 and even then, they can choose two platforms). Living through this cancel culture world can easily make them want to retreat inside themselves and become hermits, but they seem to be doing a great job adjusting and going with the flow- or being just as content fighting a battle and going against the flow and not letting others dictate how they live or what they like.

I’ll end this trying to even things out a bit. Although there are things many kids don’t know how to do, that I knew how to do when I was 10, there are plenty of things they can do that I couldn’t fathom still. They are growing up with technology at the center of everything they do. My daughter set up my website and continues to learn the settings and keep it evolving because I had no clue. I have a smartphone, but I use it for basic things- phone, texting, pictures, Google, paying bills. But she knows the ins and outs of the camera; she actually knows what changed after updates; they’ve taught me so many things about the settings and functions that I would have never learned on my own. The boys have taught me all kinds of video games and one of them showed me how he coded his own board in a game. They taught me that kids can be very smart and be great and honest conversationalists. They’re all patient, kind and great teachers. They’re also born into the notion that happiness is key- not a title or position. Hopefully they won’t feel the pressure to stay within a situation for the sake of loyalty only. People are no longer staying in that unhealthy relationship because they stood at the altar. People aren’t staying at the same job from high school through retirement when they are being overlooked or mistreated.

I’m proud of the people they are and who they are becoming and they didn’t have to grow up just like me to get there.

-Live, Laugh, Love 💙-

AJ DOM